Today

Today I did not go to work because I have a black eye. Yesterday I went to work although my eye was red and stinging and watering, and at times I just had to close both eyes and put my head down and wait. Driving to work and back was stressful because I could barely see. But, yesterday, I woke up still drunk and so it seemed manageable at the time and I went to work. There wasn’t any bruising or swelling. I said it was a spider bite when people asked what happened to me. That’s weird, right? But I don’t know, my mom actually had a real spider bite one time that made her eye pink and watery. Anyways, a kind friend offered that it was probably pinkeye. Ya I guess that would have been a better thing to say, or even allergies, you know, but whatever. Today my head was swollen though, and my face bruised, and I was ashamed. Today I didn’t go outside.

But that’s what happens. We shame ourselves. We say it’s okay. We say we’re fine. We go to work. We lie, and then we do it all again. Ha! That’s the best part. We do it again. We even contribute to it. Help it along, you know, whatever it is that we do which encourages it. We probably want it. We do want it. I want it. Sometimes it really does seem that way.

This might not be your story. This isn’t my whole story. But if I didn’t have this to tell I might not know who I am. I am flawed. I am broken. I am grateful. I am amazing. Today I tell this story. And fuck that guy.